It's a new year

And hopefully it will be better than 2012 because I don't think I could live through another 2012. Let's try and remain positive and hope for the best.

Feeling Scroogie

Christmas is coming up and I feel Scroogie but not in a monetary sense. There is no holiday feeling mentally and emotionally.

Went to see my pulminary specialist yesterday and hadn't realized that my last appointment with him was 5 years ago. They did a lung function test and there was no change. This is a positive thing as I'm 5 years older and 5 years more decrepid but lung function is the same. Think positive I always say.

Also got a paper to proof read over the next week so I'll be busy. Went for lunch with a friend. Keeping busy and trying not to let the despair in. Only 11 more holiday days but I don't fee rested.

I haven't kept track of how many ends of the world dates I have lived through but the first one I remember was in the late 60's. I was living in Vancouver and decided to walk along the beach when the time came. I'm still here almost 45 years later and also survived the one this morning. People's arrogance thinking they can predict the end of the world is amusing.

Grounding

It's those little wee tasks that require attending to that keep us grounded. Yesterday was one of those days where it was impossible to put off a couple of "little wee tasks." One of them turned into something entirely unexpected. My haircut turned into a manifesto of hair design. I came out looking like someone I didn't recognize. New style, new colour, new design. This hasn't happened in decades but obviously I must have needed it.

Then I had to wire money overseas to a dear relative. Then a stop at the meat market. Then a couple of phone calls to concerned friends that I had been ignoring due to my self-imposed exile.

Latching onto familiar tasks gives one a respite from "the despair." I feel much better today.

Reality

Reality doesn't care if you are in despair, it just plows through doing its own thing. Yesterday we received so much snow that my self-imposed exile couldn't excuse me from going out and digging out the car. I could barely see it. Took me half an hour and I drove it around to the parking lot which had mercifully been cleared. I debated whether or not I should drive anywhere to get some coffee cream or something and decided, nah I'll wait a bit and maybe the roads will be friendlier.

I feel a little better today, just a little better. Little baby steps doing things that need to be done. Time may not heal everything but it certainly does give one space to do what has to be done, like taking a shower.

Despair

Suffice it to say, just as in the Harry Potter novels there was a person "who shall not be named", my tragedy shall also not be named. I'll just call it "the Despair". I have cocooned myself in my home, all the curtains are drawn and all contact from loved ones, friends, and gossipy individuals has been kept to a minimum or broken off completely. I have only been outside once and that was to forage for provisions for my self-imposed barricade. I can probably last a few months without food, but  my two furry little loved ones would perish and that was out of the question.

These 4 or 5 days, have been horrendous. Most of the things that gave me pleasure before left me indifferent. However, I had just started reading Patrick Rothfuss's 2nd book, Wise Man's Fear, and it took me 4 days to read the entire 1000 pages with no skimming. Since I was unable to sleep much these past few days, Patrick's book was a godsend, not to mention an absolutely fabulous book. Here is a young author, whose first book went viral and who now has a huge audience.

In the 70's, all three Lord of the Rings books actually were published in one paperback. This was my first taste of fantasy and I was landed hook, line and sinker. Since then I've been reading fantasy novels. Next on my list is Brandon Sanderson. Now here is another young writer that I discovered some years ago and I've read all five of his previoius  novels and am now in possession of the first book of his, Stormlight Archive Trilogy, The Way of Kings. That's my next read to escape the Despair and Brandon's book is over 1200 pages long.

The Despair is fresh now, it's very active and will dull with time but will never disappear. It will always be with me, but it will not defeat me. My love for life is still somewhere inside me and will come back to the surface at some point.

In the new year, I must go back to work. Another couple of years before retirement. Plans are in the making, a new place, a new life, a new name, a new solitude, a new identity.

The will to live

Tragedy brings with it helplessness, despair, depression, sadness, hopelessness and/or shock. There's no telling when tears will flow and despair takes over. Sometimes one feels like talking to a trusted friend, and sometimes one just wants to wrap a cocoon of solitude around them.

This is a new journey for me even though my life has been filled with all kinds of obstacles and minor tragedies.