Suffice it to say, just as in the Harry Potter novels there was a person "who shall not be named", my tragedy shall also not be named. I'll just call it "the Despair". I have cocooned myself in my home, all the curtains are drawn and all contact from loved ones, friends, and gossipy individuals has been kept to a minimum or broken off completely. I have only been outside once and that was to forage for provisions for my self-imposed barricade. I can probably last a few months without food, but my two furry little loved ones would perish and that was out of the question.
These 4 or 5 days, have been horrendous. Most of the things that gave me pleasure before left me indifferent. However, I had just started reading Patrick Rothfuss's 2nd book, Wise Man's Fear, and it took me 4 days to read the entire 1000 pages with no skimming. Since I was unable to sleep much these past few days, Patrick's book was a godsend, not to mention an absolutely fabulous book. Here is a young author, whose first book went viral and who now has a huge audience.
In the 70's, all three Lord of the Rings books actually were published in one paperback. This was my first taste of fantasy and I was landed hook, line and sinker. Since then I've been reading fantasy novels. Next on my list is Brandon Sanderson. Now here is another young writer that I discovered some years ago and I've read all five of his previoius novels and am now in possession of the first book of his, Stormlight Archive Trilogy, The Way of Kings. That's my next read to escape the Despair and Brandon's book is over 1200 pages long.
The Despair is fresh now, it's very active and will dull with time but will never disappear. It will always be with me, but it will not defeat me. My love for life is still somewhere inside me and will come back to the surface at some point.
In the new year, I must go back to work. Another couple of years before retirement. Plans are in the making, a new place, a new life, a new name, a new solitude, a new identity.